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Let’s say good bye to all of these in 2023

Midjourney - train sailing off into distance

Time for part two of this piece, also known as, old man shakes fist at young people running rampant all over his lawn.

Brioche burger buns

Qu’ils mangent de la brioche

So goes the famous phrase by Marie Antoinette; a clarion call that has echoed down the ages, eagerly received by a cavalcade of chefs all too happy to comply. Cake! Cake is what people want with their burger. At least so the evidence would suggest if you’ve stopped by a local restaurant over the past couple of years.

For my money the enriched brioche is the curse of many a would be contender in the best burger stakes. It’s too sweet, too rich, too greasy. It’s the uninvited guest at the party who swanks around the joint asking how much the sofa cost. A savvy beef blend is all the luxurious fattiness a burger build needs.

I’ll fight on this particular hill till I’m dead, I know other’s vehemently disagree. Potato and pretzel rolls, floury ciabatta, and I know it’s crazy, but hamburger buns – a bounty of baked beauties await the curious chef; please just stop it with the brioche.

A perfect circle

While we’re on the subject let me bang on about burgers once again. On multiple occasions of late I’ve been served burgers so perfectly circular you could explain cyclic quadrilateral theory. Look, a real burger should be a beautiful imperfection, a shape unbound by geometric description. I waxed lyrical in this post on making lamb burgers.

I might also begin a third burger tirade at this point, a thesis on the senseless smashing of burgers. The violent cooking technique is all the rage. The MMA of the grill if you will. Alas. I think I might have run the clock on my burger babbling. I’ll save my screed on the dubious scientific nature of this most brutal methodologies for another day.

And yes. I’ve been eating a lot of burgers of late.

The arm

[This one removed] It was pointed out to me that my critique of certain stylized social media videos came off as mean spirited. I can absolutely see that in the cold light of day. In a poorly executed attempt to be witty, I realize I was inconsiderate to a great many. A myriad unreserved apologies, and please do scroll to the end where I place the pointless like of myself on this list. I’m for sure a dinosaur that is probably ready for the trash can. If I soured your day with this one, allow me to buy you a conciliatory drink in person should we meet, I will spend the entirety apologizing profusely, while you make me eat brioche upon brioche.

Nonsense words

Elevated – Can we stop elevating things please. If menu items are elevated any more, I might not be able to reach them.

European-style – I’m European. We agree on absolutely nothing. The continent has literal millennia of continual disagreement. The only reason for bedecking a menu or concept with Euro-stylings is to charge you more.

Sushi grade – The phrase means nothing. It has no legal standing, no official FDA backing. If you read sushi grade on a menu, they’re confused at best.

Artisan – This bread you see was made by an artisan. An old chap, some eighty years or so, his name is Charles. He wakes at four a.m. daily and never sees sunlight. As a result, this artisan bread is $12 per slice.

Composed. Social plates. Shareables.

Deviled eggs

“Can I offer you an egg in this trying time?” – Frank Reynolds.

You know how I love to start a meal? Knocking back a few hard boiled eggs to get the juices flowing. I do it every night at home, I bet you do too right? This undeniable dining truth is surely the reason for practically every menu under the sun now featuring this most classic way of beginning a meal. Like the shishito pepper before it, and the seared ahi tuna before that, so we have our newest appetizer superstar.

Almost routinely cack-handedly executed pork belly bao came a close second to the egg nonsense. Stop both please.

Family style menus

Also known as, “prepare thineself to act with swift purpose or look on in resignation, amicably smiling that you really just wanted to ensure everyone gets their fair share.” Any time I see a restaurant menu or event labelled as such, I scramble for the door. A veritable Hunger Games battle royale is set to ensue on the tabletop. Let me be clearer, should you spot me at a family style menu event, I’m there under duress.

You can’t get food INSERT X in Utah

Look I get it. Utah will never be the culinary capital of the Western U.S., let alone the nation as a whole. Of course the BBQ in Utah doesn’t rival the South, of course we don’t compete with Maine for lobster, Pacific waters for brine-bright uni.

…but…

There is good food here. There is quite excellent food here. If you’re looking carefully that is. The notion that immigrants galore are somehow stripped of their talent and taste the moment they step in the Beehive lands somewhere on a scale of ludicrous to offensive.

Great product is also made here. I’ve seen Utah lamb on Charlie Trotter menus, Beltex Meats have scooped gold in Good Food Awards (Ritual Chocolate might replicate that this year).

And while we’re on that subject, let me repeat this one from last years write up. Stop with the ethnic restaurants. I’m still seeing folks who should know better, devaluing a wide tranche of global flavor; see: Indian, Vietnamese, Chinese, and never Italian.

Michelin and their damned tweezers

The recent success of the movie The Menu strikes me as the formal signal the tweezer movement is over. Long held as the apex of the dining experience, it’s increasingly prehistoric in approach. It’s the micro green in the rock strata that defines a new era. With Rene Redzepi’s Noma set to close in 2024, tales of misery from shows like The Bear, it feels like an epoch change is underway.

We’ve been here before of course. Nouvelle cuisine died a death sometime in the mid 80’s whereupon molecular gastronomy rose from the ashes a decade or two later. So don’t worry, we’ll more than likely have some similar resurgence coming along soon enough.

I’ll hold my own hands up, I was *that* guy in The Menu. I chased chefs from coast to coast, myopically studying their menus well in advance of arrival. I had practically ingested entire meals from online consumption before a plate was ever placed in front of me.

Personally speaking, the wheels fell off years ago at a certain two star Michelin joint that will go unnamed. It goes without saying the food was stellar, though I found myself nodding off around the soup course. The grinding precision and procession of the evening’s meal felt more like work than pleasure. Sit up straight, listen attentively to the intricate sourcing and plating details, yes there will be an exam before you leave.

I’m eager for the transition. Great cuisine needn’t require pomp and pageantry; last year’s Arthur pop up was perfect proof. I’m clearly not alone in this longing for a return to simple enjoyment. It’s the reason Viet Pham made the switch to quick service dining. It’s echoed across the pond by the effervescent Jay Rayner. His Le Cinq review lingered long in my mind, and this story nails the whole thing.

Know it alls

This one applies to your truly. It’s only fair to give myself the same treatment as all of the above. Food writing is comically egotistical and vapid stuff. I’m just here stuffing my face on the side lines while a legion of over worked and underpaid industry folks bust their ass. When the end of society finally comes, my lot will be up against the wall first alongside venture capitalists, and the My Pillow fella. As will that guy (it’s always a guy) from California astutely noting that no, you can’t get good seafood in Utah, and he should know.

What else do you want to say goodbye to 2023? Let me know in the comments.

Keep the conversation going

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Image credit, Midjourney 5.0.



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12 thoughts on “Let’s say good bye to all of these in 2023”

  1. This made my morning, thanks! I moved here from the east coast where I grew up, am of European immigrant stock, and agree with everything BUT especially the Brioche Buns.

  2. FAMILY. STYLE. MUST. GO. I feel strongly about shared plates as well. If I wanted what YOU were eating, I would have ordered it. I ordered what I wanted to eat. Please let me keep it.

  3. Well stated on all points. To expand a bit on Deviled eggs….can we quit calling them Deviled if they lack any kick of flavor or spice?

  4. Mediocre fast food fried chicken joints. We have an embarrassing number of them here. Thanks for starting my day with some laughs-I always enjoy your insightful witty writing.

    1. Hehe thanks. I don’t quite understand all the chicken either, best I can guess is at some point it was a pretty cheap product to build your tent around. Not so much these days!

  5. I was *so* excited to see Frankie & Essls breakfast sandwich shop open by Liberty Park and looked forward to trying it. But while their sandwiches are very good, I expected something lighter for a breakfast sandwich and thought they seemed like a special occasion meal rather than something you could eat regularly after visiting a park visit. And it’s the brioche bun that pushes their sandwiches into the “too heavy” category for me. Reading this post, looks like I’m not the only one who’s not on board with brioche.

    I feel bad posting this, because I met one of the guys who runs the place once while waiting outside for our meal, and he was very nice and talked about how a local guy bakes the buns. And again, they are VERY tasty, just really rich for starting out the day.

    1. That’s usually my problem too Emily. They’re just too much, a butter straw breaking the camel’s sandwich back. They tilt the whole sandwich out of balance. The protein is usually plenty enough richness without the added oomph. I can’t tell you how excited I get when I see *anything* other than a brioche these days 😉

  6. Whoa whoa whoa. You’re speaking to my soul here EXCEPT for the horribly misguided rant about smash burgers. Do you hate the Maillard reaction? Crispy little caramelized bits of beefy magic? You can keep your boring hunks of thick underseasoned hamburger that makes trying to take a bite a miserable chore.

    1. The bit that gets me Austin, is when I see the onions pressed into the meat, then against the grill, that surely reduces the surface area of meat and teh contact with the grill? Moreover, the furious pressing of the burger against the heat surface, how much precious juice/fat is forced from the patty? The over compression of the meat too, creating a too tight texture.

      I could be wrong but the maillard effect is one of temperature and not pressure/force, and I wonder if any potential gains in applied force are outweighed by the loss of texture and juice from the patty. In the final analysis my favorite burgers in SLC are not of the smashed variety, though in fairness I’ve enjoyed plenty that have been.

      Clearly I need to come up with some scientific method of testing this, though that’s going to take some thought hehe.

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